Why Most People Avoid Looking at Themselves
“Any deficiency can be analyzed through a 3-point failure,” said Kishore, my friend and military doctor, while discussing vitamin deficiency.
One thing that I liked from his talk is not about why I have vitamin deficiency, but how he dug into the root cause of the deficiency using a three-point diagnostic framework:
1. Intake
Are you getting enough of the nutrient?
2. Digestion
Is your body breaking down the nutrient properly?
3. Carrier System
Is your body transporting the nutrient to where it is needed?
As I was listening to him, something else was running through my mind. Is it possible to have a similar foundational analysis for why we avoid looking at ourselves regularly to review our habits and patterns? Not as a practice of healing, but as a regular practice of good hygiene.
We don’t brush our teeth only when our tooth aches. We do it daily.
When I meet people who seek support for their mental or emotional pain, I feel that, most often, they already have the answers within themselves. But they are unable to access them.
This led me to find a similar three-point foundational framework that can encompass the whole range of reasons why people avoid looking at themselves and fail to access the answers from within. Finally, I came up with this:
1. Blindspot
Why does self-reflection matter, and what can it offer?
2. Lack of Practice
How does one sit with oneself and reflect meaningfully?
3. Resistance
Is something in me avoiding what reflection may reveal?
Blindspot
From the education system that constantly feeds the child with seeking knowledge outside of oneself, to the corporate world that keeps us running on a treadmill, to the entertainment industry that helps people “unwind” with reels and shopping, the entire ecosystem seems to strip us of the basic knowledge that we can spend time with ourselves, and that it’s okay to do so.
For many, journaling or reflecting on their life consciously (not ruminating, which I will keep for another post) does not even occur as an activity that they need to do. This leads to a blindspot of everything from “What is self-reflection?” to not understanding why it matters and what one benefits from it.
So it takes a while for people, most often following some dramatic event in life, to come in contact with the possibility to pause and reflect on their life.
The parallel: This is akin to the “intake” problem. The blindspot cuts down the very possibility of someone even considering spending time on themselves.
Lack of Practice
Once this veil of blindspot is broken down, then comes the problem of not knowing what to do.
As someone who enjoys spending time just with myself, my thoughts, and my breath, I wasn’t fully understanding the difficulty for someone who is new to this space of reflection, until my wife made me realize it.
My wife was going through some difficult time. I felt if she could spend time with herself, she would figure it out. But I saw her busy with her audiobooks, mindless time-passing games on her phone, and learning new languages on Duolingo… in short, keeping herself busy and leaving no time to engage with silence.
I asked her to spend time with herself rather than keeping herself busy with these. There wasn’t any response. I nudged again, dared to nudge again, and before I could nudge again, she blasted:
“What do you mean by spending time with myself? I don’t know. What do you want me to do in that time? All I know is to distract myself for a while. I know you keep saying this, but what should I do?”
I didn’t have an answer at that time. Somehow, I intuitively know what to do when I’m alone, and I don’t face this problem. However, I lacked the vocabulary and framework to help someone who is new to reflecting.
This helped me realize that people are not always avoiding reflection intentionally; they genuinely need some method, training, and guidance to do it.
Resistance
Can someone who knows about the practice of self-reflection and the know-hows of doing it still avoid doing it?
The answer is an emphatic yes, because reflection brings uncomfortable feelings long suppressed.
Go deeper on Resistance: Obstacle, Resistance, and Mara, a closer look at why resistance arises and how to move through it.
In many of the traditional medicines, before healing happens, the pain aggravates. This is especially true if the problem has been suppressed with allopathic medicines. The same is true in our emotional and mental domain.
Reflection brings in uncomfortable feelings that have been long suppressed like fear, self-deception, guilt etc.
We have two options to clean our house:
- Hide the garbage under the carpet, or
- Sweep it clean while the flying dust makes us uncomfortable temporarily.
Where to Begin
Each of the different stages requires different guidance to move through.
If you identify with Blindspot, learn about how self-reflection has helped others, preferably someone you look up to, like a thought leader. It is often helpful both to value the importance of reflection and to get the initial impetus to start doing it.
If you are already convinced but fall into the “I know it’s important, but tell me how” category, then following a few techniques and a structure to reflection helps. The five golden questions contextualized for your state are a great place to start.
If you identify with Resistance, develop the trust that it will all end well, and have the courage to go through a brief passage of uncomfortable feeling. That is the key.
A question to sit with
“Where are you right now, and what do you need?”